Album: Dirty Rotten Scoundrels SoundtrackRuffhousin' Mit ShuffhausenLAWRENCE
I understand you are completely
numb from the waist down, is that
correct?
FREDDY
Yes, sir.
LAWRENCE
No feeling whatsoever?
FREDDY
Mmhmm. That's right.
LAWRENCE
I see. So...
This little pggy says-
FREDDY
-Nothing
LAWRENCE
And this little piggy, the same?
FREDDY
Uh-huh.
LAWRENCE
I suppose that it's futile
To wiggle or doodle
Or jiggle this piggle
Well, ain't that a shame.
And this one?
FREDDY
Like wood.
LAWRENCE
And this one.
(Freddy shakes his head.)
Zer gut.
So, that's the entire contingent
We'll have to try something a little
more stringent.
(He pulls a pussy willow branch
from a vase and whips it through
the air.)
CHRISTINE
Stringent?
LAWRENCE
Trust me, Fraulein, I am a doctor.
When I was youg and I was cute
And I was in the Institute,
They banged it in us like a drum,
The Corpus Hippocraticum.
So just before you graduate
You raise your hand
And stand up straight
And everybody has to wuoth
That zippy Hippy-cratic Oath.
You swear to God to heal the sick
But do no damage-that's the trick,
Even if you have to lop a leg
Or God forbig, an arm.
If it's the best, go crack a cheat
Or slice 'em open like a wurst
But first-
Do no harm.
(He wacks Freddy on the legs
with the pussy willow)
Yodekayeeoo
Nothing?
FREDDY
Nope.
LAWRENCE
Hm.
A medical professional,
Before he starts a session'll
Be sure to pause and clear his head
And think on what Old Hippo siad-
A real mnsch with lots of heart
Bestowed on us this noble art
And let me tell you, that ain't eas-y
In three-hundred and eighty B.C.
Defend the weak and mend the ill,
Prescribe a pill then send a bill-
For many years the system has
Been working like a charm
But you must recollect
With great respect
Hippocrates and what he versed-
First-
Do no-
(WHACK!)
FREDDY
YOW-DELAYEEOO
LAWRENCE
That's lovely my boy.
CHRISTINE
But Doctor, this seems so cruel.
LAWRENCE
On the contrary, Fraulein, Sergeant
Benson would be the happiest man
on earth if he could feel any pain-
Yah?
FREDDY
You bet!
LAWRENCE
Let's all yodel!
(They do.)
I said yodel!
(WHACK!)
The Corpus Hippocraticum
Like bats out of the attic-come
Like popes out of the Vati-come
CHRISTINE
Like nylon sheets with static come
LAWRENCE
Like jockeys from the paddock come
CHRISTINE
Or fishsticks from the haddock come
LAWRENCE
Or you psychosomatc come to me
(He suddenly turns and exits. Freddy
breathes a sig of relief.)
FREDDY
Well, I guess that's that
(Lawrence runs back in brandishing
the pussy willow and gives him the
biggest WHACK yet.)
LAWRENCE
I look at him, the sorry face
I know I have to take this case-
It's who I am, it's what I do-
If you were me, you'd haev to too.
If I were him or I were you
I'd look at me and like the view
For here I am and here we go
Hippocrates would wish it so.
This man intrigues me, I will take
Sergeant Benson on as my patient.
CHRISTINE
Doctor, look! He's so happy he's
crying! Do you really think you can
have him walking again?
LAWRENCE
Walking? I'll have him running,
jumping, shouting, shrieking. Or my
name isn't...
(Punctually each word with a whack
on Fredy's legs:)
Dr.
(Whack)
Emil
(Whack)
Shuffhausen
(And just for good measure:)
The third!(WHACK!)
