Album: Les Miserables

Master Of The House [M. Mme. Thenardie]

DRINKER THREE

Come on you old pest

DRINKER TWO

Fetch a bottle of your best

DRINKER ONE

What's the nectar of the day?

(Thenardier enters with a flask of wine)

THENARDIER

Here, try this lot

Guaranteed to hit the spot

Or I'm not Thenardier

DRINKERS

Gissa glass a rum

Landlord, over here!

THENARDIER

Right away, you scum (to himself)

Right away, m'sieur (to customer)

DINER ONE

God this place has gone to hell

DINER TWO

So you tell me every year

DRINKER SIX

Mine host Thenardier

He was there so they say,

At the field of Waterloo

DRINKER SEVEN

Got there, it's true

When the fight was all through



DRINKER ONE

But he knew just what to do

Crawling through the mud

So I've heard it said

Picking through the pockets

Of the English dead

DRINKER EIGHT

He made a tidy score

From the spoils of war

THENARDIER

My band of soaks

My den of dissolutes

My dirty jokes, my always pissed as newts.

My sons of whores

Spent their lives in my inn

Homing pigeons homing in

They fly through my doors

And their money's as good as yours

DINER ONE

Ain't got a clue

What he put in this stew

Must have scraped it off the street

DINER TWO

God what a wine!

Chateau Neuf de Turpentine

Must have pressed it with his feet

DRINKERS

Landlord over here!

Where's the bloody man?

One more for the road!

Thenardier, one more slug o' gin.

GIRL

Just one more, or my old man is gonna do me in.

(Thenardier greets a new customer)

THENARDIER

Welcome, M'sieur

Sit yourself down

And meet the best

Innkeeper in town

As for the rest,

All of 'em crooks

Rooking their guests

And cooking the books.

Seldom do you see

Honest men like me

A gent of good intent

Who's content to be

Master of the house

Doling out the charm

Ready with a handshake

And an open palm

Tells a saucy tale

Makes a little stir

Customers appreciate a bon-viveur

Glad to do a friend a favor

Doesn't cost me to be nice

But nothing gets you nothing

Everything has got a little price!

Master of the house

Keeper of the zoo

Ready to relieve 'em

Of a sou or two

Watering the wine

Making up the weight

Pickin' up their knick-knacks

When they can't see straight

Everybody loves a landlord

Everybody's bosom friend

I do whatever pleases

Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end!

THENARDIER & CHORUS

Master of the house

Quick to catch yer eye

Never wants a passerby

To pass him by

Servant to the poor

Butler to the great

Comforter, philosopher,

And lifelong mate!

Everybody's boon companion

Everybody's chaperone

THENARDIER

But lock up your valises

Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone!

(To another new customer)

THENARDIER

Enter M'sieur

Lay down your load

Unlace your boots

And rest from the road

(Taking his bag)

This weighs a ton

Travel's a curse

But here we strive

To lighten your purse

Here the goose is cooked

Here the fat is fried

And nothing's overlooked

Till I'm satisfied...

Food beyond compare

Food beyond belief

Mix it in a mincer

And pretend it's beef

Kidney of a horse

Liver of a cat

Filling up the sausages

With this and that

Residents are more than welcome

Bridal suite is occupied

Reasonable charges

Plus some little extras on the side!

Charge 'em for the lice

Extra for the mice

Two percent for looking in the mirror twice

Here a little slice

There a little cut

Three percent for sleeping with the window shut

When it comes to fixing prices

There are a lot of tricks he knows

How it all increases

All those bits and pieces

Jesus! It's amazing how it grows!

THENARDIER AND CHORUS

Master of the house

Quick to catch yer eye

Never wants a passerby

To pass him by

Servant to the poor

Butler to the great

Comforter, philosopher,

And lifelong mate!

Everybody's boon companion

Gives 'em everything he's got

THENARDIER

Dirty bunch of geezers

Jesus! What a sorry little lot!

MME. THENARDIER

I used to dream

That I would meet a prince

But God Almighty,

Have you seen what's happened since?

`Master of the house?'

Isn't worth me spit!

`Comforter, philosopher'

- and lifelong shit!

Cunning little brain

Regular Voltaire

Thinks he's quite a lover

But there's not much there

What a cruel trick of nature

Landed me with such a louse

God knows how I've lasted

Living with this bastard in the house!

THENARDIER & CHORUS

Master of the house.

MME. THENARDIER

Master and a half!

THENARDIER & CHORUS

Comforter, philosopher

MME. THENARDIER

Ah, don't make me laugh!

THENARDIER & CHORUS

Servant to the poor. Butler to the great.

MME. THENARDIER

Hypocrite and toady and inebriate!

THENARDIER & CHORUS

Everybody bless the landlord!

Everybody bless his spouse!

THENARDIER

Everybody raise a glass

MME. THENARDIER

Raise it up the master's arse.

ALL

Everybody raise a glass to the master of the house!