Album: other songs

A Christmas Tail

My generation has been labeled with a big ol' X
Along with it came a stigma of a big ol' hex
That we're all into all kinds of self mutilation
Body piercing, tattoos, and scarification
But I like to find better things to do
Although I do pop the occasional pimple or two
I never really cared for that other stuff
'Cause for me my emotional scars were enough
I decided long ago that I wouldn't treat
My body like a walking wall of graphite
So imaging my surprise when I awoke to find
A tattoo of a heart right on my behind

It was the day after Christmas and all through the house
Everything was a mess, I even found a dead mouse
The stockings were ripped off the women on the floor
Who were passed out drunk from the party the night before
The house was a wreck, I had seen enough
It'll take me all of next year to clean up
I'd been planning this party the whole month of December
It looked like fun, I wish I could remember
God, what a pain in my ass, I hate cleaning
Something on the back of my sofa is steaming
I don't wanna know what they did to my cat
And speaking of a pain in my ass, what's that
Ow, what the Hell, where did this come from
It's a feeling like somebody shot me in the bum
I got so drunk I can't remember a thing
I don't know what this is, but man does it sting
Into the bathroom I rushed like a flash
Tore open my pants and examined my ass
And on my left butt cheek, about an inch wide
Was a little red heart with a name inside
V.. vi.. Vicky?
Vvv...vihh..
Vixen? Who the Hell is Vixen?
I don't remember anybody named..
Wait a minute, it's starting to come back
I remember a fat guy in red and black
He showed up to the party 'bout a quarter past twelve
With a whole enterage of reindeer and elves
Lookin' like he had broken some strange sex laws
My party was crashed by Santa Claus
That's the only small detail I recall
Besides that I don't remember nothin' at all
I know Vixen is part of his reindeer crew
But now I wanna know what'd the two of us do
Just what went on, how far did it go
On second thought, I think I'd rather not know
Something tells me that I should avoid it
'Cause I don't wanna hear that I might have enjoyed it
I cleaned up the house, tried to clear my head
I took a shower and cleaned all the fur off my bed
I got rid of anything that could possibly remind me
I just wanna put this whole thing behind me

I will always regret that happened that night
That little tattoo has ruined my life
The sight of a heart still gives me a chill
And I don't wanna mention my psychiatrist bill
I sort of understand but I'm kinda sore
That my friends don't wanna come around no more
My girlfriend left me and I had to move
And I eventually got the damn thing removed
Someone suggested that I change my religion
I thought about it, and came to a decision
I because I Druid because I thought it'd be nice
And now I practice free sex and human sacrifice
I'm haunted by the incident night and day
And now Christmas is only a few weeks away
But this year I'm ready, I'm not gonna run
'Cause I went out and bought me a big shot gun
I'm-a wait up all night in my living room
And if Vixen comes in then she's gonna go boom
I'm gonna spike the milk till it's 190 proof
I'll start a fire in the fireplace, put land mines on the roof
I'm not gonna repeat what happened last year
I ain't goin' nowhere near another tiny reindeer
She better understand what I'm talkin' about
'Cause that's one piece of tail I can do without