Album: other songs

Internet Love Connection

All of my life I've been called a geek
A loser, a dweeb and a side-show freak
All the other kids picked on me quite a bit
Except for the ones who preferred to hit
Always hated gym class cause I wasn't athletic
I was bad at everything, I was really pathetic
When we played this one game I always got my ass kicked
.. you know the one with the ball, and you throw it in a basket
Rumors used to circulate that I was queer
I held the school record, most wedgies in a year
But I was pretty popular amoung the jocks
I mean someone had to carry all their dirty sweat socks
Needless to say that I didn't date much
OK, so I've never had a "date" as such
Most girls don't wanna be seen with a geek
Had a date for the prom, but she sprung a leak
College was fun but my sex life sucked
I studied computers, now I'm makin big bucks
It was there that the love of my life and I met
Just me, my little mouse, and the internet

[Chorus]
When the real world lets you down
And it seems like love can't be found
Don't go psycho like Genghis Kahn
Just log on...

[Verse Two: Tom Rockwell - Sudden Death]
I started out tame, lame right off the bat
Mostly girls in bikinis, and stuff like that
Of course that all changed when I found a good source
of pictures of a guy with two women and a horse
Hours at a time, thirty pictures at once
All the porn I could handle for twenty bucks a month
I didn't think my life could possibly get any better
My favorite was a site featurin an irish setter
But all of that changed when I got an e-mail
From a real-life, honest to goodness female
Why she'd want to talk to me, I don't know
But it gave me a strange feeling down below
So after I cleaned myself up, I replied
And made up a bunch of incredible lies
I figured we'd never meet, so what would be the harm
And maybe this time around I could use my other arm
She sent me a picture, and I had to tell her
She looked exactly like Sarah Michelle Gellar
She even posed with a stake, it drove me loco
It even had the "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" logo
I told her that I couldn't wait to meet her, she replied
Said she couldn't wait either, and she had a high fever
for the flavor of a messy wet net get-together
She just got a new tether, and some shiny new leather
We set up a great virtual date
Friday night we'll log on to Instant Messenger at eight
I can't wait, it's the first a girl and I talked
That didn't end with the phrase "You want ketchup or salt?"

[Chorus]

"Well, hello there, BeverlyThrills90210."
"Hey there, big guy."
"Are you really as beautiful as your picture makes you out to be?"
"And then some."
"So are you ready for the night of your life?"
"What did you have in mind?"

[Verse Three: Tom Rockwell - Sudden Death]
Well let's begin with a meeting in cyberspace
Where you and me can properly interface
We can chat for a while and if that does the trick
We can meet somewhere and maybe there we can double-click
Ooh, you move fast, I like it when you talk nasty
I can't wait to meet, I bet you got a great ASCII
You're my type of girl, ooh you're such a tease
Just bring your hard drive, no floppies please
Don't worry bout that, I can burn and rip
And I got a big file just for you to unzip
Cause I'm a hacker in the sack not a slacker comrade
You just wait till you're sliding round on my mouse pad
I hope you're not like other guys whose system bombs
As soon as I take off my shirt and they see deez roms
Not a chance, I'ma make you do a sideways smile
Cause I'm the master when it comes to installin my file
So how about tonight?
What a great suggestion
I'm just sitting here bufferin my net congestion
Cause you know I don't have anything else I have to do
I would love to spend a evening with a lady like you

So that's how it went, and I think it went fine
Now I'm getting ready for our little meeting at nine
I'm so excited and I know we'll hit it off, you'll see
Just wait till she gets a load of me

[Chorus]